Sunday, June 17, 2012

Luha

In the Philippines, when someone cries very easily, we say that they are "mababa ang luha". Literally translated it means their "tears are low", or that it doesn't take a lot for them to cry. I was never really like that before. I would hardly ever, for example, cry even during the saddest movies. Even if I was going through something really depressing, I would have to feel extremely low before I would tear up. But since I found out that I had HIV, I can say that the term "mababa ang luha" definitely describes me.

I think that I've been pretty strong compared to how some other people are after they find out that they're HIV+. A lot of people have told me wow, it's been less than a month and you're already at the acceptance stage and trying to spread the word about prevention and testing. I guess I'm lucky that my coping skills are above average. But even now I still find that my voice breaks and I end up crying whenever I tell someone for the first time that I have HIV. I sometimes cry as well whenever I read about all the things I'll need to do to deal with HIV, like taking meds and dealing with all the side effects, or what might happen if the meds don't work or if I don't take care of myself like I should. I can say that most of the time I feel strong, but sometimes I cry when I'm reminded of how fragile I really am and how much time I may or may not have.

This morning, my "mababa ang luha" attribute was in full force. Red moved back to Manila earlier today, just like I had talked about in my last entry. We spent last night, Red's last night in Davao, watching a movie by the extremely funny Eugene Domingo, "Kimmy Dora and the Temple of Kiyeme", and by having dinner at Yellow Fin restaurant. I had wanted to have dinner at Jack's Ridge, the hilltop restaurant overlooking Davao city, but it was late and Red didn't want to splurge. When we got home we cuddled for a bit (yes, only cuddled) and slept.

I was all groggy and sentimental when I woke up, which generally isn't really a good combination for me. Red, on the other hand, was all bubbly and happy about moving back to Manila. He had been excited for some time, and couldn't wait to get back home. Yes, we've been planning to still live with each other when I get back to Manila too, but that may or may not happen because it all depends on where I'm going to find work, or where my company is going to relocate me if my bosses are able to figure something out for me. Aside from that, Red has a completely different life when he's in Manila, and he has way more friends and would have very little time for me. So regardless of whether or not we would live together, things would change between me and Red, and that's what was making me sad.

As Red was checking his stuff to make sure everything was packed, I was soaking up the last few moments we would have together in Davao. This was truly our place, the one place I had with him that I didn't share with any other of his exes. Red agreed to move here with me because he wanted to make up for the crap we went through in the past, and though our time here together wasn't always smooth sailing, we both did the best we could. I was also thinking about how this would be the 3rd time that Red and I said goodbye to each other. The last two times weren't exactly happy occasions. This time, we would be separating as friends, and we'd only be separating temporarily because I'd be following him to Manila as soon as I possibly could.

Before we left the house, Red and I gave each a big, long, and tight hug. I was breathing his scent in, and I seriously didn't want to let go. In the cab on the way to the airport, I reached for his hand and held it close to my heart with both of mine. Red doesn't usually let me do stuff like that in public, but today he did. While I held his hand, I was staring out of the window because if I looked at him I would just cry. Not that it helped, because I cried anyway. It was just a few tears at first. Red said hey don't look at the sun, it's making your eyes tear up. I just nodded. I couldn't speak anymore because the idea that this was the end of our time in Davao together was overwhelming me. The tears just kept dropping, and soon I was weeping silently. Red was surprised and said hey, why are you crying, stop please. I still couldn't speak so I just shook my head and continued staring out of the window, wiping my tears away every now and then. We just sat there in the back of the cab in silence. When we got to the airport, I was smiling already -- still crying, but with less tears. We hugged again before he went in to the departure area. As we went through the entrance I was chuckling at how excited he was, so the last thing he saw was me laughing even though my eyes were red and moist.

As I walked to the taxi stand, I started crying again. I had to sit for a while in one of the waiting sheds because I didn't want to have to walk past all the people waiting while I wept. When I got back home, Red called and we talked for a bit. Even when while we were laughing I still had tears in my eyes. It was still early in the morning so I went back to sleep for a bit. It was the first time I had cried myself to sleep in years. I was crying even while I was laughing on the phone with Pearl and Daisy, and I'm crying as I write this entry now. The last time I had cried this much was the day after I found out I had HIV.

I really, really miss Red. I know he needed to get back to Manila as soon as possible because he has been getting sick and need to get all his tests done, but I wish we didn't have to be apart. I hope I can get to Manila soon. When I get there, I'm going to give Red a big, tight hug, and this time I'm not going to let go.

I love you, Red.

2 comments:

  1. And I cried too as i read this and red's post.
    Still crying...
    Glad to be a spectator of your great and unconditional love for him.

    My idol... My hero...

    Joy

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    Replies
    1. Aww thanks Dear. Get well soon. See you when you get back to the office. Mwah!

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