Most people have a hard time coming out to their families, let alone to people at work. A lot of people living with HIV are scared about how others will perceive them or will react to the news that they have HIV. In my case, there have only been a few instances when I've cared what people think of me, and when I do care it never really works out to my benefit.
The day I found out I had HIV was also the same day that my 2nd boss (2nd because there's someone else I directly report to) and the VP of our department were arriving from Manila. There were supposed to be in the city for department reviews, and I knew I'd get fucked because my team wasn't doing so well. I guess one of the reasons I wanted to tell them right away was because I hadn't fully recovered from the shock of finding out I was HIV+ and I didn't have the energy to put up with their yelling, but the main reason was because I had to tell them that I wanted to move back to Manila as soon as possible. I had decided that I wanted to spend as much time with my family as I could, and treatments and tests are more readily available in Manila anyway, so I needed to tell my bosses that I wanted to move back because since I am handling a whole team at work, they would need to know right away that they had to find someone to replace me.
I decided to tell them that I had HIV and not give some generic "medical reasons" as to why I needed to go back to Manila because to be honest even I think it's bullshit when someone says that they're leaving their job for "medical reasons". "Medical reasons" usually just means that they've found a higher paying job at another company and don't want to be caught violating the non-compete clause of their contract. I needed to tell them specifically that I had HIV so that there would be no questions about the "medical reasons", and so they wouldn't ask for a medical certificate, and so that they wouldn't try to stop me if I needed to leave. Honestly really is the best policy, and even though my bosses aren't the easiest people to work with, my health was more important than their opinion of me.
The first person I talked to was my 2nd boss. When I walked into his cabin he was sitting at his laptop looking pissed, and I knew he was about to scream at me over my team's performance. He didn't even look up at first, but whatever. I started by saying OK, I wanna talk about something personal that I know shouldn't affect work but it probably will. He chuckled like OK here we go again, then I told him. I have HIV. He stopped typing and looked up. He was shocked. I said, I found out just today cuz I got tested, and I haven't even told my Mom yet (at this point I started crying and my voice was breaking), but I wanted to tell you because I've decided to go back to Manila to be closer to my family. I don't know when I need to be back, I haven't had the chance to completely think things through, but I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out earlier. I'm going to tell our VP later too.
I've honestly never really liked my 2nd boss. He's your typical aggressive frat boy who doesn't care what people think of him. During my first meeting after I had told him I was looking forward to working with someone who would help guide my team, he said I'm not going to be on your side, I'm going to be the one who'll kick your ass until things get done. Clearly it wasn't a good start, so I wasn't expecting him to focus on anything other than work after I had told him my news. I was not expecting him to react in the way he actually did, which was surprisingly compassionate and human. He asked how I was doing, he told me not to worry about work because the issues were around before I was and they would get fixed anyway, and he said that yeah of course you should be in Manila to be closer to your family and to get the best treatments. He said hey man, don't worry too much because HIV is not what it used to be, and God wouldn't give you any problems that you can't handle, let us know how we can help you and try not to stress out to much. In the end I think I was more shocked at how supportive his reaction was than how shocked he was at my news.
Later that evening I told my VP. Now, my VP is an Indian, and since their culture is more conservative I wasn't quite sure how he would handle the news. He was very stoic when I told him. His first question was how did I want him to act. Should he act as if he knew that I was HIV+ or should he act as if he didn't. I didn't really know how to respond, so I said can I have time to think about it. He said he wanted to ask in case it came up later. Then he asked if I was required to report my status to the company and I said no because Philippine law is very strict when it comes to the confidentiality of HIV patients. In the back of my mind I was also thinking if you ever tell anyone I'm so fucking suing this company. Then we focused on the timeline of when I was planning to go back to Manila, and I said I wasn't sure yet because I only found out today and I haven't had time to think. After all the work related stuff he asked how I was doing mentally, and I said I think I'm OK. He thanked me for telling him and I left his office.
After I left I felt that the meeting was a bit awkward, but I told myself that I can't expect everyone to be all cuddly and warm after telling them I had HIV, especially at the office. My VP texted a few minutes later saying he hoped I would be OK, and I said thanks. We didn't talk again until around a week later when he asked how I was doing and if I had already made plans around moving back to Manila. I said I'm fine, no I haven't made up my mind yet but I really hope to move back soon. He said hmmm, let me think. Maybe there's a way for us to help you move to Manila without you leaving the company. We have sites in Carmona and Cubao that need to be managed, and we have a project with the HR team that you could oversee. Would that be OK with you? Would that be far from where you live? Please don't leave just yet, wait for me to work something out for you.
I was shocked. I said wow, I really appreciate you doing this for me. He said, hey no problem buddy. Then he gave me a huge list of work-related stuff that he wanted from me. As soon as I put the phone done I was like wow, I thought my VP didn't care but he went out of his way, which he didn't have to do, just for me stay in the company and still be able to move back to Manila. At that point I had also been worrying financially because my current job pays me really well, and if I lost my job it would really hurt me especially now that insurance won't cover any of my illnesses moving forward. The idea of being able to keep my salary and still move back was more than I could ever ask for. Even if my VP eventually wouldn't be able to have me move to the other sites, the fact that he even considered trying to help me out was overwhelming. I was crying at my work station for a few minutes after that call.
It is very difficult to tell people that you have HIV, especially at first. Yes it's true, you can never really tell how people will react. But at the same time, you shouldn't always assume that they will react in a negative manner. You would be surprised at how compassionate people can actually be. There's a whole lot of bad out in the world, but the good always outweighs it. Don't deprive people the chance to show that they're human too.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Coming Out to Friends
I don't think I ever really had to come out of the closet. I mean yeah, for the first year in college I never really talked about it with my friends, but they all kinda knew and it wasn't a big deal when I finally acknowledged it. I sorta came out to my Mom once by telling her I thought I was going to have a boyfriend soon, and she said it was fine as long as it didn't affect my work. No shock or surprises. Clearly, I'm not used to coming out, cuz I've never really had to. People just knew. So it was a brand new experience having to come out and tell people that I have HIV.
The first people to know, aside from Red and his closest ex-bf, were my college friends, Pearl and Daisy, and my closest friend here in the city, Joy. I had told the 3 of them a few days before I even took my HIV test. I think I told Joy just before Red got his 2nd HIV test results, and I told Pearl and Daisy the weekend before I got mine. Pearl was really sweet. Like I mentioned in a previous post, she actually volunteered to come fly to where I live and be with me for the test. Daisy was the more emotional one and we cried over the phone when I was telling her the news. She was still a bit of denial and was hoping that the test was a false-positive, but through my tears I was telling her I'm really sorry Dear but it's impossible for me to be negative if Red is positive, and I'm really sorry that I had to bring them this kind of pain. She said what are you talking about, it's not your fault and I love you no matter what. We managed to laugh afterwards about how much we were crying considering that Pearl is usually the one who tears up real quick over emotional news and yet this time she was the strong one.
Joy was very supportive too but was also in a bit of denial at first. Like Daisy, she was also really hoping that the test was a false-positive. She said that it only struck her that I really did have HIV after I started talking about the CD4 and viral load tests that I would have to go through and while I was talking about all the things I had researched about HIV. She started tearing up and asked if I was planning to tell anyone else soon because she needed to talk with someone about my news. I said oops sorry I assumed that you would have already told your husband which I'm fine with, but yes you can talk with Michelle, Divine and Soxie, who by that point I had already also told.
Michelle, Divine and Soxie were among my closest friends from my last company, and though I really didn't want to have to tell people over the phone or through text that I had HIV, I thought that this time the news was too important to delay especially for people as important to me as them. Michelle actually told me during my last trip to Manila that she had had a premonition that Red would get me sick, and I really thought that she was talking about the time when Red caught pneumonia. It took her a while to adjust to the news, and she still doesn't like me talking about death. She asked me one time to tell our other close friends as soon as possible because she thought the news couldn't wait and I replied by saying that it's OK it can wait because I have no plans of dying anytime soon. She snapped back by saying fuck you no talking about death, you can't die until I get my dream wedding and that's not happening anytime soon so no dying you fucker. Hehehe. Divine was more calm and said I should tell our other friend Soxie because his ex-bf was an HIV counselor now. I talked to Soxie soon after and he was very supportive, even though he wondered why of all the times I could have chosen to tell him why did I have to tell him while he was listening to Amy Winehouse. Haha.
Among the other people I told was Freedom, my friend who lived with me in Country X. I wanted to tell him as soon as possible because before I found out that ARVs are free in the Philippines, I knew that they were much cheaper to buy in Country X, and I needed Freedom to get me the cheaper meds if I needed to start taking meds. He was so shocked by my news that he said he was literally shaking. He couldn't sleep that day and had to miss work just to recover. The day after I told him he called me and said OK, are you gonna take back the joke now? Are you gonna tell me you're not really positive? Hehe I laughed, sorry sweetie but I really am. He said OK so as soon as I get back to the Philippines I'm going to hug you and then slap you in the face for sleeping with Rameses (my ex-bf from Country X) bareback. Then we talked for a bit and I was laughing at some of Freedom's questions. He said that during the time that they went swimming with Rameses do I think it was possible that Rameses spread HIV in the pool water and got him infected and I was like uhm no Dear that wouldn't have been possible. I mean, Freedom is one of the smartest people I know but I guess knowing one of your close friends has HIV is enough to freak anyone out, so I totally understood where he was coming from. Plus he hadn't had much sleep before we talked hehehe.
People's reactions have been varied. Like it probably is for people when they come out as gay, coming out as HIV+ is emotional during the first few times you do it, and then eventually it becomes less of a big deal and people accept as just another thing about you that you're opening up to them. I have yet to tell anyone from my family. That will definitely be a much more emotional experience, and I plan to tell them the next time I'm in Manila which will hopefully be soon. I'm planning to tell my sister first, my cousin next, brother after, then my Mom and Dad. I'm not too worried about my family rejecting me because I know that they won't, but I am worried about how hurt they will be. In fact, the day after I found out I was HIV+, the reason I had to take a day off work was because I had an emotional breakdown just imagining what it would be like to tell my Mom. Still, the process of telling my friends has somewhat allowed me to prepare mentally to tell my family, so I'm not as scared of doing that as I was 2 weeks ago.
My hope is that eventually I can tell anyone and everyone without being afraid of what they think of me, because in the end what they think of me is of little importance. What's more important is that the word gets spread that everyone truly needs to take better care of themselves, and that includes protecting themselves and their loved ones from HIV. I'll end this entry by shocking you and letting you know that even before I've told my family that I have HIV, I've actually already told my bosses at work. That's a story for another entry though, and I'll hopefully be able to tell that story by either tonight or tomorrow when the weekend officially starts.
Take care, everyone. Stay safe.
The first people to know, aside from Red and his closest ex-bf, were my college friends, Pearl and Daisy, and my closest friend here in the city, Joy. I had told the 3 of them a few days before I even took my HIV test. I think I told Joy just before Red got his 2nd HIV test results, and I told Pearl and Daisy the weekend before I got mine. Pearl was really sweet. Like I mentioned in a previous post, she actually volunteered to come fly to where I live and be with me for the test. Daisy was the more emotional one and we cried over the phone when I was telling her the news. She was still a bit of denial and was hoping that the test was a false-positive, but through my tears I was telling her I'm really sorry Dear but it's impossible for me to be negative if Red is positive, and I'm really sorry that I had to bring them this kind of pain. She said what are you talking about, it's not your fault and I love you no matter what. We managed to laugh afterwards about how much we were crying considering that Pearl is usually the one who tears up real quick over emotional news and yet this time she was the strong one.
Joy was very supportive too but was also in a bit of denial at first. Like Daisy, she was also really hoping that the test was a false-positive. She said that it only struck her that I really did have HIV after I started talking about the CD4 and viral load tests that I would have to go through and while I was talking about all the things I had researched about HIV. She started tearing up and asked if I was planning to tell anyone else soon because she needed to talk with someone about my news. I said oops sorry I assumed that you would have already told your husband which I'm fine with, but yes you can talk with Michelle, Divine and Soxie, who by that point I had already also told.
Michelle, Divine and Soxie were among my closest friends from my last company, and though I really didn't want to have to tell people over the phone or through text that I had HIV, I thought that this time the news was too important to delay especially for people as important to me as them. Michelle actually told me during my last trip to Manila that she had had a premonition that Red would get me sick, and I really thought that she was talking about the time when Red caught pneumonia. It took her a while to adjust to the news, and she still doesn't like me talking about death. She asked me one time to tell our other close friends as soon as possible because she thought the news couldn't wait and I replied by saying that it's OK it can wait because I have no plans of dying anytime soon. She snapped back by saying fuck you no talking about death, you can't die until I get my dream wedding and that's not happening anytime soon so no dying you fucker. Hehehe. Divine was more calm and said I should tell our other friend Soxie because his ex-bf was an HIV counselor now. I talked to Soxie soon after and he was very supportive, even though he wondered why of all the times I could have chosen to tell him why did I have to tell him while he was listening to Amy Winehouse. Haha.
Among the other people I told was Freedom, my friend who lived with me in Country X. I wanted to tell him as soon as possible because before I found out that ARVs are free in the Philippines, I knew that they were much cheaper to buy in Country X, and I needed Freedom to get me the cheaper meds if I needed to start taking meds. He was so shocked by my news that he said he was literally shaking. He couldn't sleep that day and had to miss work just to recover. The day after I told him he called me and said OK, are you gonna take back the joke now? Are you gonna tell me you're not really positive? Hehe I laughed, sorry sweetie but I really am. He said OK so as soon as I get back to the Philippines I'm going to hug you and then slap you in the face for sleeping with Rameses (my ex-bf from Country X) bareback. Then we talked for a bit and I was laughing at some of Freedom's questions. He said that during the time that they went swimming with Rameses do I think it was possible that Rameses spread HIV in the pool water and got him infected and I was like uhm no Dear that wouldn't have been possible. I mean, Freedom is one of the smartest people I know but I guess knowing one of your close friends has HIV is enough to freak anyone out, so I totally understood where he was coming from. Plus he hadn't had much sleep before we talked hehehe.
People's reactions have been varied. Like it probably is for people when they come out as gay, coming out as HIV+ is emotional during the first few times you do it, and then eventually it becomes less of a big deal and people accept as just another thing about you that you're opening up to them. I have yet to tell anyone from my family. That will definitely be a much more emotional experience, and I plan to tell them the next time I'm in Manila which will hopefully be soon. I'm planning to tell my sister first, my cousin next, brother after, then my Mom and Dad. I'm not too worried about my family rejecting me because I know that they won't, but I am worried about how hurt they will be. In fact, the day after I found out I was HIV+, the reason I had to take a day off work was because I had an emotional breakdown just imagining what it would be like to tell my Mom. Still, the process of telling my friends has somewhat allowed me to prepare mentally to tell my family, so I'm not as scared of doing that as I was 2 weeks ago.
My hope is that eventually I can tell anyone and everyone without being afraid of what they think of me, because in the end what they think of me is of little importance. What's more important is that the word gets spread that everyone truly needs to take better care of themselves, and that includes protecting themselves and their loved ones from HIV. I'll end this entry by shocking you and letting you know that even before I've told my family that I have HIV, I've actually already told my bosses at work. That's a story for another entry though, and I'll hopefully be able to tell that story by either tonight or tomorrow when the weekend officially starts.
Take care, everyone. Stay safe.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Red's Blog
Red has a new blog: http://mompleaseforgiveme.blogspot.com/
I'm very proud of him for deciding to write. I hope he keeps it up.
I'm very proud of him for deciding to write. I hope he keeps it up.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Patience is a virtue
I'll be honest. I'm panicking a bit about how slow everything is in terms of the test results and the whole process of waiting for stuff to happen before I can figure out if I need to start taking meds. Red has been trying to calm me down and my impatience has been getting on his nerves. Sorry, Red. On a good note, Red is going to start blogging soon. He's apparently working on a new entry now. I can't wait to read it.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Red is confirmed
Yesterday Red got the results of his western blot test. As soon as he got the envelope with the results he texted and said he was feeling scared all of a sudden about opening the results. I texted back that I'd go meet him right away so we could open the envelope together.
For a second I was wondering why he got scared because I thought we were both at the acceptance stage already. But then I immediately realized that he was scared because a part of him was hoping that the confirmatory test turned out false positive. A part of him was still hoping that he didn't really have HIV, so I needed to be there for him because I don't ever want Red to feel alone when he's dealing with stuff like that.
I met him at the KFC near the hospital and he opened the envelope. He was confirmed for HIV 1 but not for HIV 2. I told him that from what I read (though I may be wrong) that it was a good thing because HIV 1 is the less active strain of the virus. He took the news OK. He admitted that yeah a part of him was hoping that the test turned out to be false positive, but that he was also at the acceptance stage and wanted to focus on getting the rest of the tests done.
We had previously discussed Red serving a 30-day notice period before moving back to Manila so he could get his CD4 and viral load tests done there, but now we aren't so sure if we should wait that long. I haven't even got my western blot results and I'm freaking out about how long everything is taking. I've read forums on poz.com and some people in Western countries get all their tests done within a few weeks and start meds if needed shortly after. Meanwhile in our city, each test takes weeks to process because the blood samples always have to get sent to Manila for analysis.
Today, Red and I will go meet his infectious diseases doctor. It will be my first meeting with a doctor since I found out that I had HIV. Hopefully I can move back to Manila soon so I can find a permanent doctor and so that I won't have to wait weeks and weeks for each test result to come back.
For a second I was wondering why he got scared because I thought we were both at the acceptance stage already. But then I immediately realized that he was scared because a part of him was hoping that the confirmatory test turned out false positive. A part of him was still hoping that he didn't really have HIV, so I needed to be there for him because I don't ever want Red to feel alone when he's dealing with stuff like that.
I met him at the KFC near the hospital and he opened the envelope. He was confirmed for HIV 1 but not for HIV 2. I told him that from what I read (though I may be wrong) that it was a good thing because HIV 1 is the less active strain of the virus. He took the news OK. He admitted that yeah a part of him was hoping that the test turned out to be false positive, but that he was also at the acceptance stage and wanted to focus on getting the rest of the tests done.
We had previously discussed Red serving a 30-day notice period before moving back to Manila so he could get his CD4 and viral load tests done there, but now we aren't so sure if we should wait that long. I haven't even got my western blot results and I'm freaking out about how long everything is taking. I've read forums on poz.com and some people in Western countries get all their tests done within a few weeks and start meds if needed shortly after. Meanwhile in our city, each test takes weeks to process because the blood samples always have to get sent to Manila for analysis.
Today, Red and I will go meet his infectious diseases doctor. It will be my first meeting with a doctor since I found out that I had HIV. Hopefully I can move back to Manila soon so I can find a permanent doctor and so that I won't have to wait weeks and weeks for each test result to come back.
Monday, June 4, 2012
2 weeks
It's been 2 weeks since I tested positive for HIV. I'm still waiting for the results of the Western Blot test. I hope I get the results soon so I can already schedule myself for the CD4 and Viral Load tests. Red is still waiting for his test results too and he had his blood samples taken almost a month ago now. Things are really slow here in our city and that's kinda why we wanna move back to Manila.
Still, life is good. I've been doing really well considering all that has happened. I have a few things I want to write about in the next few days, and hopefully I'll have time to write it all in spite of all the stuff I need to do at work. I'm really grateful to all my friends and I couldn't have asked for a better support system. Thank you to everyone online that has been helping me through this too. You are all angels.
Still, life is good. I've been doing really well considering all that has happened. I have a few things I want to write about in the next few days, and hopefully I'll have time to write it all in spite of all the stuff I need to do at work. I'm really grateful to all my friends and I couldn't have asked for a better support system. Thank you to everyone online that has been helping me through this too. You are all angels.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Test Results
So here's my first educational entry. My last entry was about the day I got tested and found out I had HIV. This is a scanned copy of my test results.
I've blacked out my personal details. You can technically take the test anonymously but I thought whatever I'll just put my real name. The important part of this page is the bottom section with the screening test results. If I was HIV-, the words "HIV Antibody Test" would have been there and results column would have been "Nonreactive". Since all that is written there was the Syphilis Antibody Test results, that means that I tested reactive to the HIV antibodies and they needed to send my sample to San Lazaro hospital in Manila for the confirmatory test before I can officially say that I'm HIV+.
I hope this helps someone.
Testing 1, 2, 3
OK. No more excuses. It's time I wrote a long entry. It's a Sunday and I have no other plans, and Red is still asleep. I have a load of laundry that's still in the washing machine, but I don't really have to watch over it that much.
My last long entry was about Red, and I ended the entry saying that I tested positive on May 21, 2012. It was a Monday, and I hadn't had a whole lot of sleep that weekend. Even though I still hadn't confirmed if I had HIV, I was already mentally preparing myself for all the things I'd need to do if I did have it, so I spent as much time as I could reading about HIV online. I went to the free health clinic at 8am. It was one of those government clinics that does HIV testing for free, and when I got there they still hadn't fully opened. There were lots of women around because it was technically a reproductive health clinic and I was pretty much the only guy there. It was around 30 minutes before I finally got asked to sit with the counselor to begin the testing process.
The counselor's name was Ken and he was really nice. We talked for a bit and it turns out we had worked for the same BPO before. Then he started asking the usual HIV test questions. Why was I taking the HIV test? Because my partner tested positive last Friday and I want to see I have HIV or not, though I'm pretty sure I do have it. Have you been tested before? Yes, before I moved to Country X for work. Were you sexually active in Country X? Yes, I had a boyfriend there, and I didn't use condoms with him. Do you use drugs or have you shared needles with other people? No. Have you had vaginal intercourse with female partners? Eww, definitely not. Hehe.
Ken asked me if I had any questions I wanted to ask before they took my blood sample. I told him I knew that ARVs were provided free by the Philippine government but I wanted to know how that worked. He said that free meds are provided through PhilHealth, which is why although you're allowed to take the test anonymously, if you need to start ARVs you really do have to declare your real name on the forms otherwise you could run into delays. Ken said not to worry though, there are a lot of ways to ensure that everything was confidential, and they could even ensure that I could pick up my meds privately. Personally I didn't mind putting my real name on the test forms, but I started to wonder how Red would react to finding out about having to declare his status to PhilHealth, especially knowing how much he wanted to keep his status a secret.
Then they took my blood. The test tube did not have my name on it, and I was given a slip with my test number -- # 429. They said to come back after an hour, so I went home for a bit and changed clothes because I needed to go to the office early. Red texted and asked if I had taken the test already. I said yes had and I was just waiting for the results. He said that whatever the results were I should just accept it, and if I did test positive then we should just focus on what we needed to do to deal with the disease. My college friends texted as well cuz I had told them over the weekend that Red was positive and I was pretty sure I was too. My friend -- let's call her Pearl -- was really sweet and said she had seriously thought about buying a plane ticket to my city just so that I wouldn't be alone while I was getting tested. My best friend here in my city -- let's call her Joy -- texted too and said I shouldn't worry regardless of whatever the results were.
Ken texted that the lab had the test results already so I went back to the clinic. Ken wasn't there, so a woman asked if it was OK if she gave the results instead. I said yes, and then we went into her room. The nameplate on the door was Dr. Jordana, and I figured she was in charge of the clinic. She asked some of the same questions that Ken had asked earlier, and she asked a few more questions about Red. I told her that Red had been in the hospital twice this year, and the 2nd time around the doctors had recommended that he get tested for HIV and the results were positive. She asked if I had worked abroad and I said yes I worked in Country X. Ah ok, she said, so it's possible that you if you are indeed HIV+ that you got infected there and then gave it to your partner even though he's the one who has been getting sick lately. I said yes, it's possible. That stung a bit because over the weekend I was really, really hoping that I wasn't the one who gave Red the virus, and now it was becoming clear that it was highly possible I was most likely the one who got Red sick. Fuck.
Then we opened the results. Dr Jordana had explained that if I had tested non-reactive to the HIV antibodies, or in other words HIV-, then it would say so. If I had tested reactive, then there would not actually be any results indicated because they would have to forward the test to Manila for the confirmatory test. I looked at the results and for a brief moment I was happy because I saw the words "non-reactive", but then I read it again and saw that I was non-reactive for syphilis. I showed Dr Jordana the results and said I'm sorry but can you explain this to me. She said since there was no result indicated for the HIV test then it means that I tested reactive to the HIV antibodies and they needed to send the results to Manila for the confirmatory test.
Even before I took the test I knew it was highly possible I had HIV, though I did hope a bit that I didn't have it. Dr Jordana, like most of the people in the clinic, was very nice and reassuring. She was saying that it was definitely possible to live a very normal life, though maybe not as long as people without HIV, as long as I followed medical advice. She asked if I had already started seeing an infectious diseases doctor and I said no but I'll probably see the same one as Red. She took my number down and said that as soon as they had the results from the confirmatory test she would call me. I had to wait a few weeks though because they would have to wait until other people tested positive too so that they could send the samples in one batch. It was a government clinic after all, and it would be expensive to send the samples individually.
Dr Jordana asked if I needed to join a support group, and I said that I would have to think about that first because Red is extremely careful about anyone finding out about our situation. She said she understood. Since the community of people living with HIV in our city is quite small, word gets around fast when someone new is infected, and if I want privacy I really should think before joining a group. Good thing I have friends like Pearl and Joy so maybe a support group isn't that necessary. At least I have Red, too.
I left the clinic and met Joy at the mall for lunch. I told her I was positive. I was pretty calm and didn't start crying until I said that I wasn't sure how I would tell my Mom. Joy said my Mom would be fine, and I should wait until I got the results of the confirmatory test before doing anything. We went to the office and my day continued like normal. I wouldn't feel the full impact of the test results until the following day.
I'm hungry. I'm just going to grab a bite to eat and then maybe write another entry. Red is still asleep beside me on the bed. I'm so happy he's back.
My last long entry was about Red, and I ended the entry saying that I tested positive on May 21, 2012. It was a Monday, and I hadn't had a whole lot of sleep that weekend. Even though I still hadn't confirmed if I had HIV, I was already mentally preparing myself for all the things I'd need to do if I did have it, so I spent as much time as I could reading about HIV online. I went to the free health clinic at 8am. It was one of those government clinics that does HIV testing for free, and when I got there they still hadn't fully opened. There were lots of women around because it was technically a reproductive health clinic and I was pretty much the only guy there. It was around 30 minutes before I finally got asked to sit with the counselor to begin the testing process.
The counselor's name was Ken and he was really nice. We talked for a bit and it turns out we had worked for the same BPO before. Then he started asking the usual HIV test questions. Why was I taking the HIV test? Because my partner tested positive last Friday and I want to see I have HIV or not, though I'm pretty sure I do have it. Have you been tested before? Yes, before I moved to Country X for work. Were you sexually active in Country X? Yes, I had a boyfriend there, and I didn't use condoms with him. Do you use drugs or have you shared needles with other people? No. Have you had vaginal intercourse with female partners? Eww, definitely not. Hehe.
Ken asked me if I had any questions I wanted to ask before they took my blood sample. I told him I knew that ARVs were provided free by the Philippine government but I wanted to know how that worked. He said that free meds are provided through PhilHealth, which is why although you're allowed to take the test anonymously, if you need to start ARVs you really do have to declare your real name on the forms otherwise you could run into delays. Ken said not to worry though, there are a lot of ways to ensure that everything was confidential, and they could even ensure that I could pick up my meds privately. Personally I didn't mind putting my real name on the test forms, but I started to wonder how Red would react to finding out about having to declare his status to PhilHealth, especially knowing how much he wanted to keep his status a secret.
Then they took my blood. The test tube did not have my name on it, and I was given a slip with my test number -- # 429. They said to come back after an hour, so I went home for a bit and changed clothes because I needed to go to the office early. Red texted and asked if I had taken the test already. I said yes had and I was just waiting for the results. He said that whatever the results were I should just accept it, and if I did test positive then we should just focus on what we needed to do to deal with the disease. My college friends texted as well cuz I had told them over the weekend that Red was positive and I was pretty sure I was too. My friend -- let's call her Pearl -- was really sweet and said she had seriously thought about buying a plane ticket to my city just so that I wouldn't be alone while I was getting tested. My best friend here in my city -- let's call her Joy -- texted too and said I shouldn't worry regardless of whatever the results were.
Ken texted that the lab had the test results already so I went back to the clinic. Ken wasn't there, so a woman asked if it was OK if she gave the results instead. I said yes, and then we went into her room. The nameplate on the door was Dr. Jordana, and I figured she was in charge of the clinic. She asked some of the same questions that Ken had asked earlier, and she asked a few more questions about Red. I told her that Red had been in the hospital twice this year, and the 2nd time around the doctors had recommended that he get tested for HIV and the results were positive. She asked if I had worked abroad and I said yes I worked in Country X. Ah ok, she said, so it's possible that you if you are indeed HIV+ that you got infected there and then gave it to your partner even though he's the one who has been getting sick lately. I said yes, it's possible. That stung a bit because over the weekend I was really, really hoping that I wasn't the one who gave Red the virus, and now it was becoming clear that it was highly possible I was most likely the one who got Red sick. Fuck.
Then we opened the results. Dr Jordana had explained that if I had tested non-reactive to the HIV antibodies, or in other words HIV-, then it would say so. If I had tested reactive, then there would not actually be any results indicated because they would have to forward the test to Manila for the confirmatory test. I looked at the results and for a brief moment I was happy because I saw the words "non-reactive", but then I read it again and saw that I was non-reactive for syphilis. I showed Dr Jordana the results and said I'm sorry but can you explain this to me. She said since there was no result indicated for the HIV test then it means that I tested reactive to the HIV antibodies and they needed to send the results to Manila for the confirmatory test.
Even before I took the test I knew it was highly possible I had HIV, though I did hope a bit that I didn't have it. Dr Jordana, like most of the people in the clinic, was very nice and reassuring. She was saying that it was definitely possible to live a very normal life, though maybe not as long as people without HIV, as long as I followed medical advice. She asked if I had already started seeing an infectious diseases doctor and I said no but I'll probably see the same one as Red. She took my number down and said that as soon as they had the results from the confirmatory test she would call me. I had to wait a few weeks though because they would have to wait until other people tested positive too so that they could send the samples in one batch. It was a government clinic after all, and it would be expensive to send the samples individually.
Dr Jordana asked if I needed to join a support group, and I said that I would have to think about that first because Red is extremely careful about anyone finding out about our situation. She said she understood. Since the community of people living with HIV in our city is quite small, word gets around fast when someone new is infected, and if I want privacy I really should think before joining a group. Good thing I have friends like Pearl and Joy so maybe a support group isn't that necessary. At least I have Red, too.
I left the clinic and met Joy at the mall for lunch. I told her I was positive. I was pretty calm and didn't start crying until I said that I wasn't sure how I would tell my Mom. Joy said my Mom would be fine, and I should wait until I got the results of the confirmatory test before doing anything. We went to the office and my day continued like normal. I wouldn't feel the full impact of the test results until the following day.
I'm hungry. I'm just going to grab a bite to eat and then maybe write another entry. Red is still asleep beside me on the bed. I'm so happy he's back.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Bad Blogger
I feel bad because I haven't written nearly as many educational entries as I would have liked to by now. Hopefully I will be able to add more stuff by tomorrow while Red is still asleep in the morning. I'll be going to the airport in a bit to pick him up. He still hasn't left Manila cuz the weather is bad. I can't wait for him to get back. I miss him terribly.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Missing Red
Red is coming back home tomorrow. Thank God. I miss him a lot. We will hopefully move permanently back to Manila sometime soon and we plan to live together there as well too. I can't wait to hug him tight. I think I'll go to the airport really early tomorrow. Haha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)