Red at RITM

Quick update: Red was at RITM earlier today and he had a good, productive day there. He was able to get all his tests done for free and he said he learned a lot from the counseling and training sessions. We finally found out that his CD4 level is 94, which sucks because it means that only does he have HIV but he technically has AIDS, but at least he is feeling good and isn't sick. He was advised to start his ARVs already and to rest for a bit, so we're planning for him to stay at home and not work until his CD4 level goes up. He wants to do online stuff which is great cuz at least he won't be totally inactive. Now I'm just really hoping that he doesn't experience really bad side effects. Honestly, Red has a very low threshold for pain and I'm worried that he'll either forget or refuse to take his meds on time, which he can't afford to do. Now I really can't wait to get my confirmatory test results so I can do all the tests too.

Back to Normal

Things are slowly getting back to normal at work. Most of the appraisals I had to do are done. My appraisal is done too, and even though it wasn't great, I got what I deserved. I'm actually looking forward to doing better at work now, which is weird since I'm planning to move back to Manila soon. I would honestly prefer to stay in my current company, but staying in my current city is kinda out of the question especially given how slow test results and treatments are.

It's been 4 weeks since I tested reactive for HIV antibodies and I still haven't received the results of my confirmatory test. I checked with Dr Jordana earlier today but she said the results weren't in yet. I haven't figured out when I'm going to go to Manila, but I've kinda decided to wait until I get the results of the Western Blot test first. I don't want to have to go through the whole testing thing in Manila again just to have to wait another 2 or 3 weeks.

When I get to Manila, I want to get the CD4 and the other baseline tests out of the way. Red is going to RITM tomorrow, so hopefully we'll have more details about the tests we need to take and how much everything is going to cost. I've read on a few websites that the initial CD4 test in RITM might be free and that the baseline tests are discounted at PGH, but we'll see what Red is able to find out tomorrow before we decide on what we're going to do and where we're going to get what done.

In the meantime, life goes on. 4 weeks into dealing with HIV and everything is going relatively smoothly. I'm just hoping that when I finally get my CD4 done that the results are good and I hope the rest of the baseline tests come out good as well. I hope it's that way for Red too.

Luha

In the Philippines, when someone cries very easily, we say that they are "mababa ang luha". Literally translated it means their "tears are low", or that it doesn't take a lot for them to cry. I was never really like that before. I would hardly ever, for example, cry even during the saddest movies. Even if I was going through something really depressing, I would have to feel extremely low before I would tear up. But since I found out that I had HIV, I can say that the term "mababa ang luha" definitely describes me.

I think that I've been pretty strong compared to how some other people are after they find out that they're HIV+. A lot of people have told me wow, it's been less than a month and you're already at the acceptance stage and trying to spread the word about prevention and testing. I guess I'm lucky that my coping skills are above average. But even now I still find that my voice breaks and I end up crying whenever I tell someone for the first time that I have HIV. I sometimes cry as well whenever I read about all the things I'll need to do to deal with HIV, like taking meds and dealing with all the side effects, or what might happen if the meds don't work or if I don't take care of myself like I should. I can say that most of the time I feel strong, but sometimes I cry when I'm reminded of how fragile I really am and how much time I may or may not have.

This morning, my "mababa ang luha" attribute was in full force. Red moved back to Manila earlier today, just like I had talked about in my last entry. We spent last night, Red's last night in Davao, watching a movie by the extremely funny Eugene Domingo, "Kimmy Dora and the Temple of Kiyeme", and by having dinner at Yellow Fin restaurant. I had wanted to have dinner at Jack's Ridge, the hilltop restaurant overlooking Davao city, but it was late and Red didn't want to splurge. When we got home we cuddled for a bit (yes, only cuddled) and slept.

I was all groggy and sentimental when I woke up, which generally isn't really a good combination for me. Red, on the other hand, was all bubbly and happy about moving back to Manila. He had been excited for some time, and couldn't wait to get back home. Yes, we've been planning to still live with each other when I get back to Manila too, but that may or may not happen because it all depends on where I'm going to find work, or where my company is going to relocate me if my bosses are able to figure something out for me. Aside from that, Red has a completely different life when he's in Manila, and he has way more friends and would have very little time for me. So regardless of whether or not we would live together, things would change between me and Red, and that's what was making me sad.

As Red was checking his stuff to make sure everything was packed, I was soaking up the last few moments we would have together in Davao. This was truly our place, the one place I had with him that I didn't share with any other of his exes. Red agreed to move here with me because he wanted to make up for the crap we went through in the past, and though our time here together wasn't always smooth sailing, we both did the best we could. I was also thinking about how this would be the 3rd time that Red and I said goodbye to each other. The last two times weren't exactly happy occasions. This time, we would be separating as friends, and we'd only be separating temporarily because I'd be following him to Manila as soon as I possibly could.

Before we left the house, Red and I gave each a big, long, and tight hug. I was breathing his scent in, and I seriously didn't want to let go. In the cab on the way to the airport, I reached for his hand and held it close to my heart with both of mine. Red doesn't usually let me do stuff like that in public, but today he did. While I held his hand, I was staring out of the window because if I looked at him I would just cry. Not that it helped, because I cried anyway. It was just a few tears at first. Red said hey don't look at the sun, it's making your eyes tear up. I just nodded. I couldn't speak anymore because the idea that this was the end of our time in Davao together was overwhelming me. The tears just kept dropping, and soon I was weeping silently. Red was surprised and said hey, why are you crying, stop please. I still couldn't speak so I just shook my head and continued staring out of the window, wiping my tears away every now and then. We just sat there in the back of the cab in silence. When we got to the airport, I was smiling already -- still crying, but with less tears. We hugged again before he went in to the departure area. As we went through the entrance I was chuckling at how excited he was, so the last thing he saw was me laughing even though my eyes were red and moist.

As I walked to the taxi stand, I started crying again. I had to sit for a while in one of the waiting sheds because I didn't want to have to walk past all the people waiting while I wept. When I got back home, Red called and we talked for a bit. Even when while we were laughing I still had tears in my eyes. It was still early in the morning so I went back to sleep for a bit. It was the first time I had cried myself to sleep in years. I was crying even while I was laughing on the phone with Pearl and Daisy, and I'm crying as I write this entry now. The last time I had cried this much was the day after I found out I had HIV.

I really, really miss Red. I know he needed to get back to Manila as soon as possible because he has been getting sick and need to get all his tests done, but I wish we didn't have to be apart. I hope I can get to Manila soon. When I get there, I'm going to give Red a big, tight hug, and this time I'm not going to let go.

I love you, Red.

Red's Last Night in Davao

Tonight is Red's last night in Davao. He'll be back in Manila for good tomorrow. Even though I'll be moving back to Manila sometime soon too, I'll still miss him while we're apart. Here we spend most of our time together. In Manila we will busy with other stuff. Things won't be the same anymore.

Red, thank you for the 7 months we spent together. I know we're planning to live together still if possible, but in case that doesn't happen it's OK. We will still be together for our treatments, and if you ever get sick, I will still be the one to take care of you.

I love you.

Mission Accomplished

I did it. I completed all 17 remaining appraisals in less than 24 hours. Damn. I tried to be as fair as I could, and so far the ones I've completed haven't complained about the ratings I gave them. I've already told my team that I'm planning to move back to Manila. Some of them were ok, some have asked me to stay. One of my teammates cried and said she never felt as connected to a manager as she did with me. We hugged and without telling her exactly what I had, I said that if our city only had the same level and speed of treatment as Manila, maybe I wouldn't have gone home. All in all, today was a very productive day; my first honest to goodness productive day since I found out I was HIV+. I'm getting my groove back I think. If I do leave my current company, I think I'll be leaving them on a positive note. If I don't leave my current company, at the very least I won't be leaving my current city with that much baggage. Thank God for that.

Sleepy...

Tomorrow is deadline for performance appraisals at work. I'm behind schedule so I had to come back to the office late last night and I was back again really early this morning. I'm super sleepy and I'm irritated because the appraisals are not coming out the way I would like them too. I know that I really shouldn't tire myself out in my condition, but I don't really have a choice at the moment. I'm really, really waiting for the weekend so I can sleep for hours and hours and hours...

My Dream Job

Now that I have HIV, my dream job is to become a full-time HIV peer counselor, educator, spokesperson, poster boy and all that jazz. I would so do that if I didn't have to worry about money. In the meantime, I'm helping out in my own way. Every now and then someone messages me while I'm online on PR and we talk about the importance of getting tested or other stuff. I've started a thread on PinoyExchange titled "I am HIV+" and hopefully it'll inspire more people to get tested and educate themselves about HIV. Then there's this blog too, of course. I'm taking baby steps towards my dream job. It'll take a while, and I really don't think I'll be able to do it full-time, but it'll be a whole lot more fulfilling than anything else I've ever done.

Numbers Sometimes Lie

I was chatting with someone from PlanetRomeo last night and something he said bothered me.

"The Philippines is the only country in Southeast Asia without true HIV numbers. They say there are only 9,000 people with HIV in the Philippines. Thailand has 53,000 with HIV with a population of 63,000,000. Vietnam has 280,000 with HIV with a population of 77,000,000. Malaysia has 100,000 with HIV with a population of 24,000,000. Cambodia has 63,000 with HIV with a population of 14,000,000. The Philippines has a population of 98,000,000 so the true number is over 100,000."

What he said bothered me because I actually think he's right. I think the numbers are small for the Philippines because not enough people are getting tested. Dr Jordana made me think about that when I got my test results. I was telling her that I knew that Davao had one of the highest numbers of HIV+ people in the country, and she said that it's probably because the Davao hub maybe does more outreach projects so more people get tested. It doesn't make sense for Davao to have more people infected than people in Metro Manila just based off the sheer difference in population.

Get tested, people. Yes, it's scary taking the test, but it's scarier to not know that you have HIV when you really do. As much as I really pray that there really are not a whole of us with HIV in the Philippines, I also pray that those who really are know that they are so that they can get treated as needed.

Blame Game

It doesn't matter what the situation is, spending time trying to find out who to blame for something is never productive. It is especially destructive when you're trying to figure out who gave you HIV. It's one thing to try to find out who gave it to you so they can get tested and stay healthy too, but it's a completely different thing if you're trying to figure out who gave it to you so you can tell them how they ruined your life.

First of all, you agreed to do it without protection, and even if you were only doing it with your lover you clearly were still putting yourself at risk. Second, placing the blame on someone else makes it look like you were helpless and were forced to do something you didn't want to do, and for most people they weren't. Lastly, isn't it more important to focus on taking care of yourself and staying healthy? We don't really have much time as it is, and to waste it on trying to blame someone just doesn't make sense.

The truth is, you can never really tell who gave it to you unless you have only a limited number of partners you had unprotected sex with. Even then, it's still hard to tell because the incubation period for HIV is anywhere from 2 months to 2 years, sometimes even up to 5 years (?) according to one doctor we spoke with. Even if you're absolutely 100% sure who gave it to you, isn't it bad enough that the guy has to go through the same shit you're going through, and maybe even worse?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the first thing that HIV makes you feel is scared. The next thing it makes you feel is lonely. Isolating yourself from people is seriously not going to help. If someone close to you is the one who gave it to you, then it's all the more reason to stick together because the first few steps of dealing with HIV are not easy, and it's better not to go through them alone. Thank God I have Red. Neither of us cares who gave what to who, and we're really focusing on supporting each other. Hopefully our other partners can see that too.

That means you, Mr Black. I realize you only found out last Friday and these first few days are going to be painful for you, but you said that you didn't care who gave it to you, that you loved Red too, but please stop with the blame game because it's not helping anyone. You have no idea how much Red loves you. He loves you more than he loves me, which though hard to admit is the truth. If he did give it to you, which clearly we'll never really know, then he didn't mean to. No one means to give it to anyone expect for really twisted people who I wanna punch in the face. You'll get through this, Mr Black. Forgive and move on. You, me and Red will get treated together, we'll fight HIV together, and we will live long lives. Just make sure that if Red and I ever live together that the two of you don't fuck in our place because I'm so gonna burn the house down. Hehe.

Peace.

Pay It Forward

One of the things I appreciate about the HIV+ community in the Philippines is that everyone tries to help everyone else out. One of the things that having HIV makes you feel is lonely, but that's only at the start. Once you start reading about how people are dealing with having HIV, and once you start interacting with others who also have HIV, it definitely gets better.

Aside from setting up this blog, I eventually plan to help out as an HIV+ counselor. Soxie's ex-bf is a counselor with the Love Yourself Project, and he was saying how the group needs more HIV+ counselors. If someone tells you that everything is going to be OK, it has a little more weight when the person telling you has the same thing that you do or if they are going through the same thing that you are. I'll only be able to start training as a counselor though when I get back to Manila permanently.

In the meantime, I set up a new PlanetRomeo account. I was inspired by HIV_Reactive who also created a PR account just so that he could spread the word about HIV prevention and testing to the LGBT community. PR really is the place where most gay and bisexual men go to find partners, so it makes a lot of sense to spread the word on that site. The more people come out as HIV on the site, the more people will hopefully think twice before having unprotected sex.

Within 2 hours of setting up my PR account, I had already had a few meaningful conversations with other members. One guy said that he was really scared of taking the HIV test because he had contracted another STD a few years ago and has been terrified since. He is not out to anyone and is so scared that he doesn't want to take the test alone. I said if I was in Manila I would go with him and I gave him my number. I really hope he takes the test soon, just for his own peace of mind, but if he doesn't then I can go with him to the health center as soon as I get to Manila.

Another guy who lives in Manila, but is actually from the city I live in, said that he had a partner who he took care of for 6 months before his partner passed away due to AIDS. I said wow you're an amazing friend, I wish there were more people like you in the world. I asked if he was HIV+ too and he didn't answer, which I completely understand. He was super supportive of me, and we texted for a bit. Hopefully we'll meet each other either when I get to Manila or when he comes home to my current city.

There were a few more people who messaged, and thankfully all of them have been good experiences. I haven't had to deal with any assholes yet, and hopefully I won't have to. I may have done a lot of crappy things in my life, but I'm hoping to make up for it by helping others out. Eventually I hope I can do so using my own name and not just my pseudonym.