I'm out

Today, on World AIDS Day, I have come out. Please visit my regular blog for updates moving forward.

http://www.zephyrinthesky.com

I love you all.

End of the Weekend

In a few minutes it'll be Monday, and it will also be the end of my vacation leave. It was a crappy week in terms of blogging because I didn't write about anything substantial, but so much happened to me and I accomplished so much that I forgive myself for being a bad blogger. I have many days this week to make up for my backlog. I just hope I'm able to squeeze in some time to add entries considering how far my commute going to and from work is going to be each day. We'll see.

Don't Give Up

My Dear friend. Yes, what we have is crappy. It sucks to have HIV. It's a fucking pain in the ass. There are so many difficult things we have to do on a daily basis and it sucks because our friends and family go through as much if not more pain than we do. But never at any point should we give up. What we have can be dealt with. You just have to stay strong because this is a long-term fight. Cry, lash out, scream, do whatever you need to do and then deal with it. If you need help, we can give it to you. Don't ever think you don't deserve to be loved, because everyone deserves to be loved. Just because you've given up on yourself doesn't mean that others will give up on you. We will fight for you even if you don't want to fight for yourself. Because that's what family is supposed to do, and you having the virus automatically makes you family. Love, Ben.

TGIF, July 6

I'm meeting up with office friends in a few hours. This week has been a total failure as far as blogging is concerned, but I managed to get all my lab tests done at RITM, I finally started meds, and more importantly I managed to tell my family that I have HIV. Overall it's been a good week. I don't have a whole lot of plans for the weekend, so hopefully (hehe) I'll manage to get a few long entries posted. I'm meeting Red tonight. He's in one of his moods, but mostly because I was in one of mine yesterday hehe. If you're reading this Red, I miss you and I love you. Please don't be mad anymore. **HUGS**

Quick Update

I know I said that I would write a longer entry today, but I had an emotionally tiring day today because I finally had the guts to tell my family that I have HIV. I'll write more about it in the next few days, but for now I'll just say that that I'm extremely lucky to have the family that I have. I love them immensely and they love me just as much. Their support is something I wish for everyone who has HIV. I am truly blessed.

Day 1 on ARVs

At 9:30 pm today I took my first ARVs. They're the same ones that Red had to take. I'm hoping the side effects are minimal. So far I don't feel anything, and I'm hoping it stays that way. Red is done with his 14-day trial and has started taking Nevirapine twice a day. I'm hoping that he won't encounter any negative reactions. Some people only start showing reactions much later after starting ARVs, like one guy we met last Monday.

I forgot to post a new entry yesterday. I think it's only the 2nd time that it has happened, but I still feel bad. To make up for it, since I'm not going anywhere tomorrow, I'll add at least 2 new long entries and I'll post some scans of my documents -- with my personal info blacked out, obviously hehe.

My CD4 is 289

I have to apologize because I've been a delinquent blogger for the past few days, and the earliest I'm going to be able to write a longer entry is this Wednesday. Tomorrow I seriously need to start working on a report I've been procrastinating on for work, and I have an interview at a place near Makati. That and I'm planning to tell my Mom tomorrow that I have HIV, so it's going to be a busy day and possibly emotionally draining.

In the meantime, I went to RITM today and found out that my CD4 count is 289. Not bad because at least it means I don't have AIDS yet, but I do need to start ARVs as soon as possible. The doctors at RITM want me to finish my baseline tests first before I start the 14-day trial for the meds, so I'm not going be able to go back to Davao that quickly. I don't want to go back until I'm sure that the side effects aren't that bad. I met someone today at RITM who only started getting side effects after a month, so it might take a while before I'm in the clear, but we'll see. My landlady just said that my contract at the room I'm renting will end by July 31, so that might be a sign that I need to move here sooner rather than later.

I also told another friend today that I have HIV. Let's call her Susan. Before I told her, I said OK 3 things. You have to promise not to scream, you can't tell anyone else what I'm about to say, and you have to promise not to cry. So I showed her my western blot results, first by pointing to the part of the form with my real name and then pointing to the part where it said "HIV Positive". She was shocked for a minute then she started crying. I said hey, you promised not to cry and she said sorry but I can only do the first two things. We laughed and we talked for a bit. Susan was very supportive and asked if I needed anything and I said nah, just love. You've had that for a very long time now, she said. I am truly blessed with the best friends. I wish all pozzie people had my friends.

That's all for now. I will write a longer entry as soon as work stuff and my lab tests are out of the way. Thanks for reading. Stay safe and stay strong.

RITM Tomorrow

I'm finally going to RITM tomorrow. Wish me luck. I hope my CD4 count is high. I haven't told my family yet that I have HIV. I'm procrastinating, not because I'm scared of their reaction but more because I don't think it's such a big deal anymore. But I will tell them within the week, maybe tomorrow after I find out if I need to start meds or not. Red is going with me to RITM. He was going to go anyway because his 14 day trial for his meds is nearly over. I miss Red. We saw each other last night but it wasn't enough. I can't wait until we start living together again.

White Party 2012

Manila, Manila... I keep coming home to Manila...

I'm already at the Francisco Bangoy International Airport in Davao and in a few short hours I'll be arriving at NAIA in Manila. I'm super excited, and I can't wait to see my family, my friends, and Red. I'm meeting Daisy, Pearl, and Sophie tomorrow afternoon when they have lunch at home. Red and I are going to the White Party in Malate on Saturday evening, though we're not going to spend the whole night out. Sometime on Sunday, I'm going to tell my family that I have HIV. Let's see how that goes.

See you soon, friends!

"I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)"

In exactly 24 hours I'm going to be landing in Manila. I'll be back home, and I can't wait. Joy has been joking that my mind has been in Manila since Monday and it's only my body that's still here in Davao. I'm excited to see my family, I'm thrilled that I'll be in Manila for the White Party, and I'm beyond ecstatic that I'm going to see Red again. He's going to pick me up at the airport, just like my Mom. That'll be an interesting meeting, since they haven't seen each other since I brought Red back home to meet my family 7 years ago. Anyway, this song is for Red. I miss you, sweetie. Can't wait to hug you again.






"I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)" Jessica Sanchez and Joshua Ledet  Like a warrior that fights and wins the battle I know the taste of victory Though I went through some nights consumed by the shadows I was crippled emotionally Somehow I made it through the heartacheYes I did, I escapedI found my way out of the darkness I kept my faith (I know you did), kept my faith  When the river was deep, I didn't falter When the mountain was high, I still believed When the valley was low, it didn't stop me, no no I knew you were waitingI knew you were waiting for me 
 With an endless desire I kept on searching Sure in time our eyes would meet Like the bridge is on fire, the hurt is overOne touch and you set me free I don't regret a single momentNo I don't, looking hack When I think of all those disappointments I just laugh (I know you do), I just laugh 
When the river was deep, I didn't falter When the mountain was high, I still believed When the valley was low, it didn't stop me, no no I knew you were waitingI knew you were waiting for me 
So we were drawn together through destiny I know this love we shared was meant to be I knew you were waitingKnew you were waiting I knew you were waitingKnew you were waiting for me

2 more days to go!

Only 2 more days and I'll be back in Manila!

I really should have written a longer blog entry today. I got home early and things weren't too hectic at work, but I was feeling lazy and I kept thinking I'll have more time to write when my vacation starts. I'm sleepy now. I'll sleep early today and write more tomorrow if things are still not too hectic at work.

Take care, everyone. Stay strong.

Back to Black

I've been busy at work so unfortunately I haven't had as much time to blog as I would like. Black texted Red today and it seems that he has adjusted a bit to having HIV, which is a good thing. They're planning to meet soon, which is fine. Red asked though if I was feeling jealous and I said no I'm not jealous because I know where I stand. Which means yes, I'm jealous haha. But it's ok. I'm a bit worried because Black's CD4 count is 90, which is lower than Red's, but he still hasn't been prescribed ARVs by his doctor at San Lazaro. OK fine, I get that he's still on meds for his TB, but don't ARVs trump any other medication especially if you've technically got AIDS? Hmm. Anyway. Red said we're still on for Saturday. I asked if Black is joining us. Red still hasn't replied.

In Manila, June 29 to July 16

I finally got my Western Blot results this morning. I'll write more about that tomorrow though. In the meantime, I just want to write a quick update that I'll be in Manila this Friday evening and I'll be there until July 16. I'm super thrilled because it's the White Party in Malate this Saturday and Red and I have planned to go out somewhere along Roxas Boulevard before we head over to Orosa Nakpil. 7 years ago I was the first person to bring Red to Malate, and he didn't even consider himself gay or bisexual even then. Now at times he even calls himself bading. Times have clearly changed.

Wind, Waves, and White Sand

I ended my class early on Friday, so I spent sunset by the beach at the Queen Tuna Park. Since I had been planning to move back permanently to Manila, I wasn't sure when I'd be able to come back to Gensan again, so I wanted to enjoy my last few moments there. Though I was thinking about going back to Davao early, as you can tell from my last entry, the calm I felt that day was worth me staying.

In that moment, on impulse, I decided that I wanted to go visit Gumasa, Glan in the Sarangani province. The last time I went to Gumasa was in March just after Red first got sick. Gumasa is one of the most beautiful, less-known beaches in the Philippines. Everyone says that it's just like Boracay used to be before the crowds started piling in, and it truly is pristine. It's one of the best beaches I've traveled to, and I like how not a lot of people know that it exists.

I haven't been able to do a whole lot of travelling since Red started getting sick. I love going to remote places, and I especially love going on my own because when I'm alone I'm silent, and when I'm silent it's easier for me to feel spiritual. My favorite solo trip that I've ever taken is when I went to Kathmandu, Nepal on my own last year. I can't even begin to describe the sense of peace I felt on that trip. Just to be surrounded by the comforting sounds of bells in Buddhist temples and to see Mt Everest outside the window of the tiny plane I was in was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Everyone should be able to say they've done that at least once before they leave this world.

So anyway, yesterday morning I woke up at 5:00 am so I could take the first van ride to Glan from KCC Mall. The van left by 6:30 am, and we were in Glan an hour later. Going there was different this time because I had forgotten to bring my digicam, and the only camera I had was the one on my phone, so I couldn't take any high-resolution pics of the ride going to Glan. I usually take hundreds even thousands of pictures when I travel, starting from the journey going there. But rather than worry that I didn't have a camera, I decided to be happy that instead of looking for the perfect shot I could just focus on how beautiful the sights really are. In the end, photos, no matter how good they are, can't fully capture how awe-inspiring a place can be. You really have to be in a place sometimes for you to connect with its soul.

After a quick breakfast, I rode a tricycle and in 10 minutes I was at White Haven Beach. Again, words fail to express how at one with the universe you feel at a place like Gumasa, so let me express it through the few pictures I took.

It was a feast for the senses. I could feel the wind brush against my skin and hum in my ear, and in just five minutes it blew away everything I had been worrying about for the past five months. The waves melodically crashed on the shore, and the sound made me drowsy. I lay in the cool, white sand and took a nap for a bit. I was in heaven. My body surrendered, and in spite of the virus replicating inside of me, I felt healed. I felt loved.

I spent the morning playing with the sand and splashing in the water like a 5 year-old. At first I didn't want to swim because I didn't bring a towel, but I'm glad I did because I found a 1,000 peso bill floating in the water.  I looked around to see if there was anyone who looked like they had lost money, but there wasn't. I kept the money and thanked God that this trip pretty much paid for itself. By noon the sky became darker and the clouds became thicker. For some reason I didn't want to see my paradise spoiled by the rain, so I left before it did. It was OK though. I didn't need to spend the whole day there. A few hours was all I needed to meditate and recharge. I was ready to get back to reality. A few hours later I was back in Davao.

I can't wait for my next trip. It'll probably be easier to travel once I've relocated to Manila because there are more travel promos and budget fares if you're coming from there. Hopefully Red can go with me, but if he can't I don't mind going solo again. Travelling alone is good for your soul, and you can never have too much of a good thing.

Life is Beautiful

I sat in silence at sunset, listening to the waves from the Sarangani Bay as they crashed on the Gensan shore. The wind was blowing through my hair and humming in my ears, and I felt calm and content as I stared out into the horizon. I looked at the expanse of sea before me and I was overwhelmed as I realized that my life is but a heartbeat in comparison to the eternity of the universe. I was in awe.

Life truly is Beautiful.

1st Monthsary

Yesterday it had been 1 month since I found out I had HIV, and today it has been 1 month since I started this blog. I started this blog because I wanted to document my new life as a person living with HIV, and I wanted to be as much help to people as the other bloggers were of help to me after I had just found out I was positive.

According to Google Analytics, in the 1 month since I started this blog, I've had 3,929 pageviews, 1,084 visits, and 584 unique visitors. Wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I think that moving forward I have to do a better job of adding more HIV-related information. I have a few other ideas as well, like adding more creative entries, or more introspective and reflective entries. I need to start adding more pictures too.

To celebrate my 1st monthsary, I'm going to Gumasa tomorrow. It's one of the best beaches in the Philippines and it's located in the Saranggani province around an hour away from Gensan. I was last there in April with Red and I've been wanting to go back for a while now. I decided on impulse earlier today that I was definitely going there this weekend. I'll be back in Manila by next week hopefully, and I'm really not sure when I'm going to be in Gensan again, so I'm grabbing this opportunity to go back to Gumasa while I can.

Happy weekend, folks. Stay safe, stay strong, and get tested if you haven't already.

Western Blot is in!

I just got a text message from the health clinic that my Western Blot results are in. I'm excited, and it's a weird emotion to have in my situation, I know, but still. Getting my results means that I can finally start planning my trip back to Manila to get all my other tests done. Things are starting to fall into place at the office and I feel comfortable leaving stuff behind even if only for a few weeks at first. This also means that I'll get to see Red again, and thank God for that because I really miss him.

HIV/AIDS Medications

Red started taking ARVs today. The ARVs that Red is taking are Zidovudine and Lamivudine. I wanted to just write about what those 2 meds do, but as I was researching I got more and more fascinated by the science behind HIV and its medications. Some of the stuff that HIV meds do is amazing. I'm like how the hell did they even discover this stuff? HIV meds are truly modern day miracles, and the people who came up with them are geniuses.

For the benefit of my non-pozzie friends, and for my pozzie friends who aren't sure about our meds work, let's start with the basics. Here are a few key terms that you need to first understand in order to see how HIV meds work:

1. HIV
• HIV is short for the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. It is named so because the virus attacks cells within our body that form part of our immune system, or the system in our body that helps us fight disease.
2. CD4
• CD4 T helper cells are a type of white blood cell (cells that fight disease) that HIV attacks. Increased HIV infection leads to lower CD4 counts. In the Philippines, HIV treatments start once your CD4 level drops to below 350. In most Western countries, HIV treatments can start at any time.
3. AIDS
• When your CD4 count falls below 200, you are officially considered to have AIDS, or Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. This means you are considered to be more prone to opportunistic infections, or diseases that take advantage of your weakened immune system. With the help of HIV meds, your CD4 count can go back up. However, even if your CD4 count goes back above 200 you will still be considered as having AIDS.
4. Viral load
• This is a measure of how much of the virus you have in your system. It is expressed in parts per milliliter.

Medicines for HIV/AIDS are called Antiretrovirals or ARVs. They are called that because HIV is classified as a retrovirus. A retrovirus is a type of virus that replicates using the reverse transcriptase enzyme, or the enzyme that synthesizes DNA from RNA instead of the normal process of synthesizing RNA from DNA. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but this video explains in a simple enough manner how HIV replicates:

So in a nutshell, there are a whole lot of processes involved in the replication, of HIV. What ARVs try to do is prevent specific processes from happening, which is why a lot of the HIV meds are classified as inhibitors because they interfere with, block or suppress certain stages of the HIV replication process. We can't really call ARVs cures, because although they manage the presence of HIV in our bodies, they don't actually remove the virus -- they just prevent it from replicating.

ARVs are normally taken in combination with each other. This is called HAART, or Highly Active Antiretroviral Therapy -- the idea being that in order to effectively fight HIV you need to prevent as many of the virus replication stages from happening as you can. Also, HIV easily mutates, which is why it is especially important for people with HIV to make sure that they take their meds on time and exactly as prescribed by their doctors because if they don't, the HIV strain they have might become resistant to the ARVs they are taking. In order to check if the ARVs are working, you need to get CD4 counts and viral load tests done as recommended by your doctor.

Which brings me back to the ARVs that Red is taking. Zidovudine is better known as Azidothymidine or AZT. It was the first approved treatment for HIV and it works by inhibiting the replication of HIV via the reverse transcriptase enzyme. The most common side-effects include upset stomach and acid reflux or heartburn, headache, cosmetic reduction in abdominal body fat, light sleeping, and occasional loss of appetite. Lamivudine does pretty much the same thing, and aside from treating HIV it is also used to treat hepatitis B.

Red hasn't texted me yet so I'm hoping that means he isn't experiencing any side effects. I seriously hopes he takes his meds on time. I'm seriously worried that he'll fall asleep and not take them on time. I'm so gonna be pissed off if that happens.

Red at RITM

Quick update: Red was at RITM earlier today and he had a good, productive day there. He was able to get all his tests done for free and he said he learned a lot from the counseling and training sessions. We finally found out that his CD4 level is 94, which sucks because it means that only does he have HIV but he technically has AIDS, but at least he is feeling good and isn't sick. He was advised to start his ARVs already and to rest for a bit, so we're planning for him to stay at home and not work until his CD4 level goes up. He wants to do online stuff which is great cuz at least he won't be totally inactive. Now I'm just really hoping that he doesn't experience really bad side effects. Honestly, Red has a very low threshold for pain and I'm worried that he'll either forget or refuse to take his meds on time, which he can't afford to do. Now I really can't wait to get my confirmatory test results so I can do all the tests too.